Online Dating Secrets for Women- How to Catch Your Man

This is a first draft excerpt from a book I’m writing in my spare time. It’s a compilation of chapters on a totally unrelated range of subjects.

And it's the truth... mostly.
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Online Dating:

When required to list your "Intent", do NOT select, "I want a relationship" !!

How many times in your life have you ever fallen in love when that was your objective?

Since you've been "on-line dating" site, how many successful relationships have you had since your stated "Intent" was, "I want a relationship" ... Exactly!

Suppose a "hot" guy you've never met, walked up and introduced himself...

Would you say, "Hi there handsome! Before I have the opportunity to tell you my name, much less anything about me, I want you to know that I'm looking for a long term relationship.”?

You know you'd never drop THAT bomb, THAT soon, in the "real" world.

So why would you do it on a dating site in front of thousands of potential partners?

Are you crazy? You'll spook any man worth having!

You gotta' let on like a relationship is the last thing on your mind.

Even if "Mr. McDreambutt" asks if you want a relationship, your FIRST answer is, "Are you crazy? A relationship is the last thing on my mind!"

Practice saying this with a wild-eyed, incredulous look on your face while you're putting on your make-up for your shopping trip. (Shopping trip?)

And make sure you edit your, "Intent" field to one of the "Dating" options.

Take your pick...

Option A, "I want to date but nothing serious", is code for, "nobody gets naked"

Option 'B", "I'm looking for casual dating/no commitment" leaves the possibility open for debate.

Now let's go find you a relationship, girl!!

The Grocery Store:

First, splurge on a fresh manicure and pedicure.

Now shimmy yourself into a pair of jeans that flatter your figure, wear a top that's tastefully revealing, and then slip into some classy sandals with at least 2 1/2 inch heels.

High heels jack up your rear-end like a 70's muscle car... guys dig both of these items.

Oh, don't forget to dab on a little of your most seductive scent... but go easy! A scent should linger at your departure, but not shout-out your arrival.

You're headed to the place that's brings more potential couples together than all the dating sites combined...the grocery store.

Look for a rich target, (oops, Freudian slip!)...I meant to say "target rich" environment … around Charlotte that’s the Tajma-Teeter… corner of Morrison Blvd and Sharon Rd, at Southpark.

A grocery store has everything a guy wants in one place, food, alcohol, and women. It's the perfect venue for a hook-up... packed with single men that don't have a clue............. of how to flirt in a grocery store. 

“Can I buy you a drink?”, or “Would you like to dance?”, have a low success rate in the Harris Teeter.

So instead, they'll ask you serious stupid questions like, "Do I have to put fabric strips in the dryer, or can I thrown them in with the wash?"

Or humorous stupid questions like, "Why do they call it the produce section when there's nothing here but fruits and vegetables?"

If there’s an attraction, quickly decide if the dope's question is serious or humorous.

If serious, answer with the straightest face you can muster… don’t try too hard, or you’ll appear to have gas.

If you’re SURE it’s a joke, then laugh. But don’t titter… it will annoy your audience.

Imagine how it'll make you feel having men asking YOU directions for a change!

One other thing… to instantly squelch an unwelcome advance, just give him that, “I SAID I have a headache…” look.

But be careful, or you’ll repel all potential suitors within range of the blast.   

Fail-safe First Meeting:

Whether your initial engagement with "your" man is in a grocery store, at a funeral, or anywhere else… just remember these two sentences:

1) "That's interesting." and 2) "And then what happened?"

Everybody's favorite subject, especially successful men, is themselves. So whenever, or wherever you meet your quarry for the first time, prime the conversation by asking him a question, "What do you do?", "Do you know anyone here?", "Did the deceased owe you money too?"... Any question will do to get him talking.

The first time he pauses, say "That's interesting."

At the next break, "And then what happened"

Alter your voice inflections appropriately, and you can ask, "And then what happened?" at least twice, one more if you toss an, "Oh my God!" in there.

Here's the important part... After no more than 5 minutes, ask him the time, then excuse yourself and walk away without looking back.

If he doesn't chase you down to ask for your number... then he will seek you out later.

And if not, then he's obviously not the man you thought he was!

Note: Please do not couple, "Oh my God!" with, "That's interesting." or you will leave the opposite impression.

Evolution versus Intelligent Design

Evolution versus Intelligent Design…
What difference does it make anyway?

It don’t…which makes it just as much a hot topic amongst the regular grade scholars as well as us intellectuals.

Biblically speaking, here’s my revelation.What if evolution is part of the intelligent design?

Why stop with evolution. We might as well go on and mosh the “big bang” theory in there to boot. Somebody had to light the fuse, didn’t they?

Besides, I ain't never been comfortable with that term, “intelligent design” anyway,

Didn’t God say that he made man in his image?

Well, judging by the health of the arguments made by the folks sittin’ on both sides of this scrap, God might not be as smart as we think He is…

Either that or some of His “images” done the “designing” after the fact and pinned the blame on Him.

Something else, I ain't aiming to be disrespectful to the Almighty, but I don't believe God created everything in a week either.

Of course... he could do if he wanted to!

That ain't the question.

 I reckon anybody important enough to sport a capital pronoun right in the middle of a sentence can do what He wants!

It ain't how he did the blame thing in a week... it's why would He want to!

It ain't like He was running late for a meeting.

God invented time!

If He found Himself running a little short, He could just whip up another batch.

There ain’t no alarm clocks in heaven!

And another thing... God never intended for the Bible to be a bonafide accountin' of the history of the world.

He had to leave something for man to lie about...

And for anybody itching to fight about the Bible, it starts with Genesis.

For a book that ain’t got but fifty pages, Genesis covers a lot of ground, from the creation of everything living or dead in the infinite universe, to populating the Middle East and running the Israelites out of town.

You'd a thought they could've found an easier bunch to tackle than God's chosen people.

Here’s the thing…

When God told Adam and Eve to, “be fruitful and multiply”…they took Him seriously and commenced to begat like crazy through about ten more chapters. And when they petered out, the fruits of their labor continued the tradition they had fertilized a crescent and made a mess of Potamia doing it.

Populatin' the world was a big job, but it got done in record time. Sure the people enjoyed the work, but it was mainly 'cause they hadn't discovered the word, "No" yet.

Noah’s wife invented it when Noah told her he had to go back and pick up that pair of flies he left behind.

When she told him, "No", he asked her, "Why not?",  and then she said, "Because I have a headache."

Don't worry, it didn't make no sense to Noah either... so he went back for the flies.
Well, even though it’s been rumored for thousands of years, it took Einstein and his theory of relativity to actually prove we was all kin for sure.

So there you go! The “evolution” folks, and the “intelligent design” folks doing all the arguing might as well seek some common ground. No good ever come with fighting amongst family!

But, that’s just my opinion.

Dilfer Brainard

Insect Authority

Insect Authority

With the steady erosion of our civil and social liberties that started back when our parents would yell at us for asking them if our friend could “sleep over” while the subject of our query was within earshot, to the present; where the discovery of a toothpick in our carry-on provides the catalyst for a strip search, it’s time to say, “Enough is enough!” or at least, “enough”. A time to sit down and be counted against the social tyranny that is insect authority, the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant event.

Terms of Insect Authority:

• Insect Authority (IA): the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant situation or event

• Insect (I): A person that derives pleasure in exercising, or "showing off" Insect Authority whenever possible; A person that is "out" (see "in or out")

• Non-insect (NI): A person that questions authority figures; a person that enjoys exposing Insect Authority and poking fun at "Insects" whenever they rear their ugly head, thorax, or abdomens; a person that is "in" (see "in or out")

• Buggy: Behavioral characteristics consistent with those of an “Insect

• ”In or Out (I/O): If you are "in", you get it. If you're "out", you don't. (If you don't know what "it" is, you are "out".) If you think you are “out” you are probably “in.” If you think you are…never mind. Now I’m confused.

          Are you "in" or "out?"
Literary Background:

First reference to “insect authority” may be found in chapter IV of "Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain:

"Mr. Walters fell to "showing off" with all sorts of official bustlings and activities giving orders, delivering judgements, discharging directions here, there, everywhere that he could find a target. The librarian "showed off"-running hither and thither with his arms full of books and making a deal of the sputter and fuss that insect authority delights in."


The Insect Creed: (for insects only)

I will exercise my insect authority whenever an insignificant situation or event occurs. I will only deploy my insect authority when surrounded by enough people (one minimum) to be impressed by my dictatorial pomp and circumstance. I will strive to always conduct the affairs of my life in a reactive rather than a proactive manner, to act before I think, and to consistently make a habit of leaping before I look. I believe that no conclusion is too far away for me to jump to.


The Insect Test:

Find out if you are an "insect" or not. Take the following questionaire: (Please don't peek at the answers following the questionaire)

1. Are you an "Insect" or not? 
2. Do you find whistles, bullhorns, laser pointers, two-way radios, uniforms, and arm bands unusually
3. As you read the “The Insect Creed”, were you aroused?
4. Do you ever use the word "frankly" in serious conversation?
5. Do you ever use the word "seriously" in frank conversation?

Answers:
What answers? If you read this before you took the test, then “bzzz” on you!

What you can do:

Take action! As you go through the activities of your everyday lives and you notice any sign of Insect Authority, an over zealous security guard at a public event, an arrogant hotel clerk, or anyone that you appears to be a little “buggy”… just slap the back of your neck (don’t hurt yourself) and emit a sharp, barely audible, “bzzz!”

This is a red flag to other non-insects around you. They can either slap the back of their necks or acknowledge your “bzzz” with a “bzzz” of their own, but never both. With appropriate eye contact, mute acknowledgement should be a raising of the eyebrows accompanied by a slight tilting of the head in the direction of the insect in question. A smirk is optional.

Warning: Under no circumstances should one slap the back of anyone else’s neck. This is tasteless and potentially dangerous.

Examples:

You might be an “Insect” if:

You own a police scanner.
You use your two-radio while shopping at Harris-Teeter
You have ever come home from a little league baseball game with a black eye.
You volunteer for jury duty.
You cannot see the license plate of the car ahead of you while traveling over five miles per hour.
Your wet dreams involve directing traffic.
You have never missed an episode of “Cops”.
You favorite fashion accessory is an armband.
You have always been secretly attracted to megaphones.
You have the urge to wear a whistle to an office meeting.

Future:

The IA movement is in its larval stage right now! But with more and more people gaining an ever increasing control over the critically insignificant events of our lives, the “bzzz” is growing. Our offices are swarming with activity to meet the growing demand for IA thoughts and entymological anecdotes. If you would like to be an IA member. If you would like to be "in". If you would like to be an important part of something that is of absolutely no consequence, then let us know by dropping a note to the email box at the bottom of this page. Please send us your questions, thoughts, or stories and we’ll provide you with frank, serious replies.

Remember this is just the start of something small. Bzzzzz....