Insect Authority
With the steady erosion of our civil and social liberties that started back when our parents would yell at us for asking them if our friend could “sleep over” while the subject of our query was within earshot, to the present; where the discovery of a toothpick in our carry-on provides the catalyst for a strip search, it’s time to say, “Enough is enough!” or at least, “enough”. A time to sit down and be counted against the social tyranny that is insect authority, the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant event.
Terms of Insect Authority:
Literary Background:
First reference to “insect authority” may be found in chapter IV of "Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain:
"Mr. Walters fell to "showing off" with all sorts of official bustlings and activities giving orders, delivering judgements, discharging directions here, there, everywhere that he could find a target. The librarian "showed off"-running hither and thither with his arms full of books and making a deal of the sputter and fuss that insect authority delights in."
The Insect Creed: (for insects only)
I will exercise my insect authority whenever an insignificant situation or event occurs. I will only deploy my insect authority when surrounded by enough people (one minimum) to be impressed by my dictatorial pomp and circumstance. I will strive to always conduct the affairs of my life in a reactive rather than a proactive manner, to act before I think, and to consistently make a habit of leaping before I look. I believe that no conclusion is too far away for me to jump to.
The Insect Test:
Find out if you are an "insect" or not. Take the following questionaire: (Please don't peek at the answers following the questionaire)
Answers:
What answers? If you read this before you took the test, then “bzzz” on you!
What you can do:
Take action! As you go through the activities of your everyday lives and you notice any sign of Insect Authority, an over zealous security guard at a public event, an arrogant hotel clerk, or anyone that you appears to be a little “buggy”… just slap the back of your neck (don’t hurt yourself) and emit a sharp, barely audible, “bzzz!”
This is a red flag to other non-insects around you. They can either slap the back of their necks or acknowledge your “bzzz” with a “bzzz” of their own, but never both. With appropriate eye contact, mute acknowledgement should be a raising of the eyebrows accompanied by a slight tilting of the head in the direction of the insect in question. A smirk is optional.
Warning: Under no circumstances should one slap the back of anyone else’s neck. This is tasteless and potentially dangerous.
Examples:
You might be an “Insect” if:
You own a police scanner.
You use your two-radio while shopping at Harris-Teeter
You have ever come home from a little league baseball game with a black eye.
You volunteer for jury duty.
You cannot see the license plate of the car ahead of you while traveling over five miles per hour.
Your wet dreams involve directing traffic.
You have never missed an episode of “Cops”.
You favorite fashion accessory is an armband.
You have always been secretly attracted to megaphones.
You have the urge to wear a whistle to an office meeting.
Future:
The IA movement is in its larval stage right now! But with more and more people gaining an ever increasing control over the critically insignificant events of our lives, the “bzzz” is growing. Our offices are swarming with activity to meet the growing demand for IA thoughts and entymological anecdotes. If you would like to be an IA member. If you would like to be "in". If you would like to be an important part of something that is of absolutely no consequence, then let us know by dropping a note to the email box at the bottom of this page. Please send us your questions, thoughts, or stories and we’ll provide you with frank, serious replies.
Remember this is just the start of something small. Bzzzzz....
With the steady erosion of our civil and social liberties that started back when our parents would yell at us for asking them if our friend could “sleep over” while the subject of our query was within earshot, to the present; where the discovery of a toothpick in our carry-on provides the catalyst for a strip search, it’s time to say, “Enough is enough!” or at least, “enough”. A time to sit down and be counted against the social tyranny that is insect authority, the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant event.
Terms of Insect Authority:
- Insect Authority (IA): the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant situation or event
- Insect (I): A person that derives pleasure in exercising, or "showing off" Insect Authority whenever possible; A person that is "out" (see "in or out")
- Non-insect (NI): A person that questions authority figures; a person that enjoys exposing Insect Authority and poking fun at "Insects" whenever they rear their ugly head, thorax, or abdomens; a person that is "in" (see "in or out")
- Buggy: Behavioral characteristics consistent with those of an “Insect
- ”In or Out (I/O): If you are "in", you get it. If you're "out", you don't. (If you don't know what "it" is, you are "out".) If you think you are “out” you are probably “in.” If you think you are…never mind. Now I’m confused.
Literary Background:
First reference to “insect authority” may be found in chapter IV of "Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain:
"Mr. Walters fell to "showing off" with all sorts of official bustlings and activities giving orders, delivering judgements, discharging directions here, there, everywhere that he could find a target. The librarian "showed off"-running hither and thither with his arms full of books and making a deal of the sputter and fuss that insect authority delights in."
The Insect Creed: (for insects only)
I will exercise my insect authority whenever an insignificant situation or event occurs. I will only deploy my insect authority when surrounded by enough people (one minimum) to be impressed by my dictatorial pomp and circumstance. I will strive to always conduct the affairs of my life in a reactive rather than a proactive manner, to act before I think, and to consistently make a habit of leaping before I look. I believe that no conclusion is too far away for me to jump to.
The Insect Test:
Find out if you are an "insect" or not. Take the following questionaire: (Please don't peek at the answers following the questionaire)
- Are you an "Insect" or not?
- Do you find whistles, bullhorns, laser pointers, two-way radios, uniforms, and arm bands unusually
- As you read the “The Insect Creed”, were you aroused?
- Do you ever use the word "frankly" in serious conversation?
- Do you ever use the word "seriously" in frank conversation?
Answers:
What answers? If you read this before you took the test, then “bzzz” on you!
What you can do:
Take action! As you go through the activities of your everyday lives and you notice any sign of Insect Authority, an over zealous security guard at a public event, an arrogant hotel clerk, or anyone that you appears to be a little “buggy”… just slap the back of your neck (don’t hurt yourself) and emit a sharp, barely audible, “bzzz!”
This is a red flag to other non-insects around you. They can either slap the back of their necks or acknowledge your “bzzz” with a “bzzz” of their own, but never both. With appropriate eye contact, mute acknowledgement should be a raising of the eyebrows accompanied by a slight tilting of the head in the direction of the insect in question. A smirk is optional.
Warning: Under no circumstances should one slap the back of anyone else’s neck. This is tasteless and potentially dangerous.
Examples:
You might be an “Insect” if:
You own a police scanner.
You use your two-radio while shopping at Harris-Teeter
You have ever come home from a little league baseball game with a black eye.
You volunteer for jury duty.
You cannot see the license plate of the car ahead of you while traveling over five miles per hour.
Your wet dreams involve directing traffic.
You have never missed an episode of “Cops”.
You favorite fashion accessory is an armband.
You have always been secretly attracted to megaphones.
You have the urge to wear a whistle to an office meeting.
Future:
The IA movement is in its larval stage right now! But with more and more people gaining an ever increasing control over the critically insignificant events of our lives, the “bzzz” is growing. Our offices are swarming with activity to meet the growing demand for IA thoughts and entymological anecdotes. If you would like to be an IA member. If you would like to be "in". If you would like to be an important part of something that is of absolutely no consequence, then let us know by dropping a note to the email box at the bottom of this page. Please send us your questions, thoughts, or stories and we’ll provide you with frank, serious replies.
Remember this is just the start of something small. Bzzzzz....
1 comment:
Now that you've identfied this species of human you call Insect Authority [IA] and come up with a recognition gesture what's next?
Is it enough to merely identify and acknowledge. Is there more we can do. Can we learn how to repel insects or even eat them?
Is it a coincidence that a web page discussing Mark Twain's use of insect metaphoria should be the host for a Google Ad for Bug-Ger Off Insect Repellent?
Thailand has opened the world's first insectivore restaurant and celebrities on reality shows eat them to boost their flagging careers...
And.. there may be an alternative..
Maybe those of us who have not been bitten by the nit-picking, life consuming bug have a duty to help those that did..get bit that is..
J Allen Boone, a famous animal communicator, wrote in his book Kinship with All Life about his extraordinary metaphysical and telepathic exchanges with a fly who became his companion for a few days...
So, inspired by Mr Boone and his fly friend, I propose a new game..
Sponsor an Insect Authority
This is no light undertaking, although a strong measure of light heartedness will be required to restore the dark soul of the IA...
I have come up with a few meditations and processes that might speed up the cure/conversion process.
Positive Visualisation and Chanting
When in the presence of an IA venting his or her venom, you can shift the energy by silently chanting 3 hail mary's, bowing your head 3 times towards mecca and whispering over and over 'nam myoho renge kyo' [nam mee yo ho, rengay keeyo] whilst visualsing the person doing something that might normally be alien to their character. See below for content ideas.
You are advised to turn the visualistion into a blockbuster of a movie. See them in it, add in lots of detail, make it panoramic and throw in a host of bright colours and any SFX you care to invent.
Suggestions for possible movie scenarios might be the said IA having sex with a blow up plastic doll whilst speaking to their minister on the phone ; streaking across a golf course whilst wearing high heels [not gender specific]and a groucho marx nose spec and tash set. You might see them sneaking into a Def Leppard concert without paying.. clad in a blond wig and tight fitting red lycra pants.
Get creative...and amuse yourself at the same time..
Beyond Reality
Another intervention might be to join in with their rant, only up the ante. Agree vehemently with their proposals and come up with some even more preposterous suggestions to enhance their endeavour. Lead them to the point of ridicule and an ability to laugh at themselves.
This is best done by adopting similar body language to said IA, and using a pompous tone that reflects their own.
Pattern Interruption
Come up with a totally off the wall phrase like 'Do you think Superman ever changes his underpants?' or 'I heard Angelina Jolie has boils on her bum' and smile sweetly as you say it.
This is not a quick fix and demands genuine commitment and devotion to the cause. You may be required to put yourself in the front line over and over..
You may need to study meditation practises, positive affirmations and visualisation, the enneagram, NLP and cognitive behaviour therapy to name a few..
Reading Milton Erikson on the Art of Reframing in Hypnosis is a must as is an arsenal of humorous stories, a vivid imagination and oversized testicles.
An ability to moderate voice tone, tempo and pitch is also vital...
In the initial stages of sponsorship you may need to develop your own form of bug-ger off repellent. A humorous t-shirt an a smile are quite sufficient although people have been known to go to extreme measures...
Get buzzing... sponsor an Insect Authority today.
Oh yes, 'they' say that every time an IA is saved, angels weep buckets. If you can't see it as your duty to humanity just do it because we need the rain!
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