Insect Authority
With the steady erosion of our civil and social liberties that started back when our parents would yell at us for asking them if our friend could “sleep over” while the subject of our query was within earshot, to the present; where the discovery of a toothpick in our carry-on provides the catalyst for a strip search, it’s time to say, “Enough is enough!” or at least, “enough”. A time to sit down and be counted against the social tyranny that is insect authority, the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant event.
Terms of Insect Authority:
Literary Background:
First reference to “insect authority” may be found in chapter IV of "Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain:
"Mr. Walters fell to "showing off" with all sorts of official bustlings and activities giving orders, delivering judgements, discharging directions here, there, everywhere that he could find a target. The librarian "showed off"-running hither and thither with his arms full of books and making a deal of the sputter and fuss that insect authority delights in."
The Insect Creed: (for insects only)
I will exercise my insect authority whenever an insignificant situation or event occurs. I will only deploy my insect authority when surrounded by enough people (one minimum) to be impressed by my dictatorial pomp and circumstance. I will strive to always conduct the affairs of my life in a reactive rather than a proactive manner, to act before I think, and to consistently make a habit of leaping before I look. I believe that no conclusion is too far away for me to jump to.
The Insect Test:
Find out if you are an "insect" or not. Take the following questionaire: (Please don't peek at the answers following the questionaire)
Answers:
What answers? If you read this before you took the test, then “bzzz” on you!
What you can do:
Take action! As you go through the activities of your everyday lives and you notice any sign of Insect Authority, an over zealous security guard at a public event, an arrogant hotel clerk, or anyone that you appears to be a little “buggy”… just slap the back of your neck (don’t hurt yourself) and emit a sharp, barely audible, “bzzz!”
This is a red flag to other non-insects around you. They can either slap the back of their necks or acknowledge your “bzzz” with a “bzzz” of their own, but never both. With appropriate eye contact, mute acknowledgement should be a raising of the eyebrows accompanied by a slight tilting of the head in the direction of the insect in question. A smirk is optional.
Warning: Under no circumstances should one slap the back of anyone else’s neck. This is tasteless and potentially dangerous.
Examples:
You might be an “Insect” if:
You own a police scanner.
You use your two-radio while shopping at Harris-Teeter
You have ever come home from a little league baseball game with a black eye.
You volunteer for jury duty.
You cannot see the license plate of the car ahead of you while traveling over five miles per hour.
Your wet dreams involve directing traffic.
You have never missed an episode of “Cops”.
You favorite fashion accessory is an armband.
You have always been secretly attracted to megaphones.
You have the urge to wear a whistle to an office meeting.
Future:
The IA movement is in its larval stage right now! But with more and more people gaining an ever increasing control over the critically insignificant events of our lives, the “bzzz” is growing. Our offices are swarming with activity to meet the growing demand for IA thoughts and entymological anecdotes. If you would like to be an IA member. If you would like to be "in". If you would like to be an important part of something that is of absolutely no consequence, then let us know by dropping a note to the email box at the bottom of this page. Please send us your questions, thoughts, or stories and we’ll provide you with frank, serious replies.
Remember this is just the start of something small. Bzzzzz....
With the steady erosion of our civil and social liberties that started back when our parents would yell at us for asking them if our friend could “sleep over” while the subject of our query was within earshot, to the present; where the discovery of a toothpick in our carry-on provides the catalyst for a strip search, it’s time to say, “Enough is enough!” or at least, “enough”. A time to sit down and be counted against the social tyranny that is insect authority, the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant event.
Terms of Insect Authority:
- Insect Authority (IA): the perception of exercising absolute and total control over an insignificant situation or event
- Insect (I): A person that derives pleasure in exercising, or "showing off" Insect Authority whenever possible; A person that is "out" (see "in or out")
- Non-insect (NI): A person that questions authority figures; a person that enjoys exposing Insect Authority and poking fun at "Insects" whenever they rear their ugly head, thorax, or abdomens; a person that is "in" (see "in or out")
- Buggy: Behavioral characteristics consistent with those of an “Insect
- ”In or Out (I/O): If you are "in", you get it. If you're "out", you don't. (If you don't know what "it" is, you are "out".) If you think you are “out” you are probably “in.” If you think you are…never mind. Now I’m confused.
Literary Background:
First reference to “insect authority” may be found in chapter IV of "Tom Sawyer" by Mark Twain:
"Mr. Walters fell to "showing off" with all sorts of official bustlings and activities giving orders, delivering judgements, discharging directions here, there, everywhere that he could find a target. The librarian "showed off"-running hither and thither with his arms full of books and making a deal of the sputter and fuss that insect authority delights in."
The Insect Creed: (for insects only)
I will exercise my insect authority whenever an insignificant situation or event occurs. I will only deploy my insect authority when surrounded by enough people (one minimum) to be impressed by my dictatorial pomp and circumstance. I will strive to always conduct the affairs of my life in a reactive rather than a proactive manner, to act before I think, and to consistently make a habit of leaping before I look. I believe that no conclusion is too far away for me to jump to.
The Insect Test:
Find out if you are an "insect" or not. Take the following questionaire: (Please don't peek at the answers following the questionaire)
- Are you an "Insect" or not?
- Do you find whistles, bullhorns, laser pointers, two-way radios, uniforms, and arm bands unusually
- As you read the “The Insect Creed”, were you aroused?
- Do you ever use the word "frankly" in serious conversation?
- Do you ever use the word "seriously" in frank conversation?
Answers:
What answers? If you read this before you took the test, then “bzzz” on you!
What you can do:
Take action! As you go through the activities of your everyday lives and you notice any sign of Insect Authority, an over zealous security guard at a public event, an arrogant hotel clerk, or anyone that you appears to be a little “buggy”… just slap the back of your neck (don’t hurt yourself) and emit a sharp, barely audible, “bzzz!”
This is a red flag to other non-insects around you. They can either slap the back of their necks or acknowledge your “bzzz” with a “bzzz” of their own, but never both. With appropriate eye contact, mute acknowledgement should be a raising of the eyebrows accompanied by a slight tilting of the head in the direction of the insect in question. A smirk is optional.
Warning: Under no circumstances should one slap the back of anyone else’s neck. This is tasteless and potentially dangerous.
Examples:
You might be an “Insect” if:
You own a police scanner.
You use your two-radio while shopping at Harris-Teeter
You have ever come home from a little league baseball game with a black eye.
You volunteer for jury duty.
You cannot see the license plate of the car ahead of you while traveling over five miles per hour.
Your wet dreams involve directing traffic.
You have never missed an episode of “Cops”.
You favorite fashion accessory is an armband.
You have always been secretly attracted to megaphones.
You have the urge to wear a whistle to an office meeting.
Future:
The IA movement is in its larval stage right now! But with more and more people gaining an ever increasing control over the critically insignificant events of our lives, the “bzzz” is growing. Our offices are swarming with activity to meet the growing demand for IA thoughts and entymological anecdotes. If you would like to be an IA member. If you would like to be "in". If you would like to be an important part of something that is of absolutely no consequence, then let us know by dropping a note to the email box at the bottom of this page. Please send us your questions, thoughts, or stories and we’ll provide you with frank, serious replies.
Remember this is just the start of something small. Bzzzzz....
